Crazy Times in the Summer
Two weeks ago Dante finished his Junior year in high school. He is currently on summer vacation. He was planning on having an awesome summer and partaking in many pleasurable activities but has not really done anything so far. Dante was fired from the job he had so he decided to just enjoy the summer since he made so much money the year before. Since he was not working or doing anything exciting his parents became very upset with him for not being active. His friends also kept asking where he had been because they had not seen him at any parties or anywhere. Dante was just in the mood to sit around and watch TV and play video games. Dante was a coach potato and all of his peers had had enough of it.
One night in July Dante had a terrible nightmare. He dreamt that it was the week before school started and he had wasted away his whole summer. Suddenly Dante woke up to complete cave-like darkness in his room with the dark red glow of the numbers reading 12:00 on his clock. Dante decided right then he would stop being so lethargic and would accept every invitation or idea to do something exciting. Dante called his friend Alfonzo and whispered to him through the phone. Dante started off the conversation with an apology for not responding to any texts and then eventually asked him if anything was “going down that night”. Alfonzo informed Dante that this girl Latifa was having a party while her parents were out. Dante snuck out of his house to drive and pick up Alfonzo. It was quite easy for Dante to sneak out since his parents’ room is on the other side of the house. Ten minutes after sneaking out Dante arrived at Alfonzo’s house. Dante made sure to turn out his car lights off to not attract any neighbors. Alfonzo greeted Dante with “ Yo, Wassup man, how you been?”. Alfonzo and Dante drove down to Latifa’s house. As they were driving by there were blue and red light illuminating Latifa’s driveway. Alfonzo said, “ oh shoot the police, man did we get lucky”. After the drove home Dante decided to go to bed, and that he had had long enough of a night. He would probably never sneak out like that again because he almost got in a lot of trouble.
The next day Dante’s other close friend, Fanizzi, called him early in the morning. He told Dante that he was leaving for his beach house with some friends that day, and wanted to know if he wanted to spend the weekend with them. Dante did not really get along with the kids that Fanizzi was bringing but decided to go anyway. After Dante asked his parents and they agreed he quickly packed his clothes. When Dante pulled up into Fanizzi’s driveway he saw a group of people packing up the car. It was Fanizzi’s parents, Fanizzi, Alfonzo, and three other private school kids that were kind of weird. By the time everyone had packed all of their stuff it was about noon time and then they got going on the road. The car ride to Fanizzi’s house was very quiet because the three private school kids just sat in the back of the car and didn’t really say anything. As they approached the beach area they noticed that it was more crowded than usually. They drove through the sandy streets of the beach town until they eventually arrived at Fanizzi’s house. They pulled up to a house that could be considered a mansion, no one even knew that Fanizzi was that rich. Once the get settled the all put on their bathing suits and walked down to the beach.
When they got there it was very crowded, they saw people out in the ocean jet skiing and swimming and doing all sorts of fun activities. While they were there Alfonzo and Dante went to the pizza place on the boardwalk while the private school kids and Fanizzi went swimming. Before they knew it nightfall had come and they had no plans. So they went around the boardwalk and met a whole bunch of people that wanted to hang out. Fanizzi agreed that he would have a party because his house was perfect for that.
Around 8 o’clock at night a lot of people started to show up. A lot of them no one knew. The party started to get really good and everyone was having a great time. However later in the night people began to get a little out of hand. No one was respecting Fanizzi’s house and a lot of furniture and other objects were breaking. Fanizzi and his friends began to get really scared. They asked everyone to leave at 12 but know one even listened. As Dante was going in the kitchen he saw kids playing around with axe bottles and lighters and making flame throwers with them. A flame eventually went into the can and the axe can exploded. This causes the drapes to catch on fire. Fanizzi, Dante, and Alfonzo tried to put the fire out on their own but evgentually had to call the fire department. Since they were underage the fire department called their parents and all of them got in a lot of trouble for having an unsupervised party. Dante learned that being a coach potato was probably better than getting into a whole bunch of trouble. So for the rest of the summer Dante just sat around and relaxed.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
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Carl, this stroy was very entertaning to read. I liked it. In the beginning, Dante is a couch potatoe and is not hanging out with his friends. Then, he tries to go to a party but almost gets caught so he goes home. Then he goes to the beach, throws down, and realizes he shouldn't have. Your structure is very good. As far as conventions go, there are spelling errors throughout the paper. For style, look at your tenses becasue they switch alot. Otherwise I enjoyed your story.
ReplyDeleteyour summer crazzy man hahaha
ReplyDeleteThis story is about a kid who gets in trouble in summer. He starts off the summer being very lazy but eventually he starts doing bad things and getting into trouble. Your structure was pretty good. I thought that you should add more dialogue. Your style was also good. You should make it more formal and there are tense changes as matt said. I also agree with Matt, you do have various spelling errors throughout the story.
ReplyDeleteThis story was about a kid that didn't do much ever but then during summer he decided to do things and got in trouble. You need a little more dialog but the structure is decent. Make sure you stay in the same tense in till you want to change the tense. Also like Harsha and Matt said just fix some of your spelling errors.
ReplyDeleteDante sat around for the begining of summer and was a couch potatoe. A dream made him realize that he was wasting his summer away so he ecided to to do accept every invitation to him. He goes to parties and gets in trouble. Your structure was pretty good because you had a begining, middle, and end. The ending needs some work because it is pretty abrubt though you probably got to 3 pages and ended it. Your style was good, but you used some unecessary words that disrupt the flow like when you said he didnt go to and parties or anything. Your conventions were okay. Overall your paper was entertaining and I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteYes MAN!!!
a) This story is about a kid who doesnt do anything but over the summer he decides to do something but then gets in trouble for it.
ReplyDeleteb) your stucture is good
c) more dialouge would be nice.
d) you have some spelling errors.
e) I like the plot and it was well written
This story is about a kid named Dante who starts off the summer not doing anything and being boring. He begins to start some new activties, but they get him into trouble. Dante eventually ends the summer with being boring again because he doesnt want to get in trouble. You have very good stucture with your paragraphs. I think that some more dialogue would be benefictial to your story. Here and there you might want to check commas and spelling. Carl your story was awesome, good job!
ReplyDeleteThe story begins with Dante being a bum and doing nothing over the summer. He has a dream that tells him to go to any party he is invited to. He gets in trouble there. Overall I liked your style, but like Ben said your ending comes a bit fast. Your style was decent, but could use a bit of work. If you reread your work you will easily find these few errors. Your conventions were okay, but their are quite a few spelling issues. Again just reread your story and you should notice them. In the end though I found your story to be very interesting and fun to read.
ReplyDelete